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I’d kiss his lips and immediately realize, “Woah… I’m gay. I thought I was going to have this big “aha” moment.
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Without going into too many details (you can read about my full experience here), I left that first encounter feeling even more unsure of my sexual identity. When I got to college, I decided I was going to finally explore my same-sex attractions that had been gnawing at me for the past few years. Recognize you might not have a big “aha” moment. Chris Donaghue's book Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture. The first is Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, which tackles shame resilience. There are two books in particular Jor-El tends to recommend to his clients. "Because we live in a culture that has perspectives on bisexuality and same-sex attraction, it's important to gain exposure to alternative perspectives," Jor-El says. Instead of discussing how we come to form our sexual identity, some sex-ed classes never get beyond condoms on cucumbers-or teach abstinence-only curriculum. Alas, sex education leaves quite a few things to be desired here in the United States (and abroad, too). One of the biggest ways to reduce internalized shame and to better understand how your sexuality might not be binary or stagnant (meaning, specifically, that you're not always exclusively gay or straight) is to educate yourself about sexuality. “A lot of bicurious guys worry about what it means for their sexuality if they experiment with another guy, so being able to explore that with a woman present might make it less intimidating.” “I think the appeal of this scenario is that it seems less intimidating than hooking up with just another guy,” he says. In Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies, he’s found that a lot of bicurious guys report fantasies about mixed-gender threesomes. If after watching some bi/gay porn and talking to some dudes on apps/chat rooms, you’re thinking to yourself, alright, I think I could potentially be into this, it might be time to consider having a threesome with a woman and another man. (Grindr and Scruff are two good apps to use.) 3. It allows you the opportunity to engage with other men sexually without doing anything IRL.
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"Apps and chat rooms using sexting and video chats are great ways to explore how you feel about engaging sexually with men before jumping into the deep end and scheduling your first hook-up," says Jor-El Caraballo, a licensed mental health professional who works largely with LGBTQ+ clients. “So that’s probably the easiest starting point for getting a sense of what you do and don’t like,” he says.
Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author Tell Me What You Want.įor bicurious men specifically, Lehmiller notes there are plenty of pornos out there which feature bicurious themes.
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“As a starting point for acting out sexual fantasies, many people turn to pornography because it offers a ‘safe’ way to explore, especially if you’re a little afraid of acting it out or don’t know how to go about it,” says Dr. Porn is a great way to explore your desires in a manner that’s accessible and private. You don’t need to jump headfirst into penetrative sex with a man. Now, with the help of two sexuality experts, I'm going to impart what I wish I knew and had done before (and after) hooking up with my first guy. Nevertheless, there were definitely things I could have done to better prepare myself for exploring sexually with other men. Still, I'm glad I did explore, and it did eventually lead me to embracing my sexuality, though it took another five years. I think that's why I felt even more confused after hooking up with a guy. I had expectations about what I should feel, still struggled with internalized homophobia, and didn't realize that sexuality is a spectrum. The thing is, I went about hooking up with a guy all wrong. Overall, the experience was "meh," like any really sloppy, drunken hookup regardless of gender. After the experience, I could not tell you if I was gay or bi. Alas, I got so drunk in order to have the courage to hook up with another man that I ended up puking midway through our encounter. The only way I could know for sure if I was actually gay or bi was if tested the waters. I figured this "bicurious" thing clearly isn't a phase, since I'd been thinking about it for a few years. After years of wondering if I could ever be intimate with another man, I decided to hook up with a dude my freshman year of college.